ranting_baka's Xanga

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 06:32:30 GMT

Weird how, even now, Xanga still lingers on. It's like a placeholder for my teens, a place where my random and uninteresting thoughts lie uselessly on some random cluster of servers, for me to come back and check out at a later date.

Life presses on. My day to day life has been emptyness with the occasional flash of brilliance. I stopped going to school to focus on saving money by working, and naturally the job that I move to doesnt pay as much as promised. I think that when it comes to promises, you need to lower your expectations by half. I work hard...I often come into work at 1 PM and dont leave until 1 or 2 in the morning...I go home, sleep, and then repeat. The money varies wildly. The weeks where the pay is well is met with celebration; the weeks where the pay is bad is met with disappointment.

My personal life has been a block of ice since the breakup. I find getting over a significant relationship is much like falling in love itself...there are very strong emotions and even as those fade out into the distance, the memories linger on much like a shadow. The memories simply play out in day to day life, popping in and out much like a commercial break. The emotions are still there but I think the biggest problem is the loneliness and not so much the missing of the person itself. Feeling like you are wanted is a powerful thing, and its absence leaves a hollow feeling inside. Something else to deal with as well. I find myself forced to try to figure out the dating scene again, and again forced to deal with issues of personal improvement. I cannot remember the last time I was hit on, and if I was, it was over my head.

Friends come and go. I have renewed friendships of old but I've also lost some as well, some that I valued a great deal. Once more, I suppose it's a price that is paid.

Reconnecting with my family is a bright spot. My darkest moments have always had their silver lining in that I know I can always rely upon them. It is a blessing to where one would want to be religious to see such marked improvement of my little brother. It makes me happy to see how far he's progressed.

I suppose at some point I can come back and finish this. Xanga will seemingly always be there, waiting.

Ending of a long chapter.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 07:54:27 GMT

In my life, and I doubt I'm the only one who does this, I tend organize significant events in degrees of size, both in metaphorical and literal degrees. For example, while my first kiss took place in a relatively insignificant portion of time in my life, it was such a memorial event for me that it etches a noticeable place in my memory. And then there are events that are made up of tons of insignificant moments that my brain catagorizes in one lump folder. Such as High School.

There is a special category for me, one that is not just full of significant events but has also taken a significant amount of time, and the first of such a chapter has come to a close to me...the ending of my first serious relationship. The implications of this event are still something that I still havent grasped; and I suppose significance wise it's not quite over yet because I'm still struggling with how and why it ended, and the pain that goes with it.

What are the lessons that I can draw from this event? Will it make me a better man? To make steel stronger you have to put it back into the fire first I suppose. One thing it has made me, at least for now, is a bitter and lonely man. For it seems that the harder that I tried to glue this thing back together, the more I watched it fall apart. The person that I loved so dearly turned out to be completely different than I thought. Manipulative, hypocritical, a lier and perhaps a cheater. The way events turned out in the end, in the brief time compared to the rest of the relationship, overshadow the entirety of the time I was with this woman. Aurthur Miller once said "Betrayal is the only truth that sticks," and I believe it. For even after all the love and intimacy that I experienced, the betrayal is the thing that sticks out the most. All other feelings of love and compassion are dulled by the hatred and despair that the betrayal has brought about, and that in itself is a distressing thing for me. These three years should in my mind be a positive thing, a positive experience for me, and yet I feel like I've wasted my time, energy, and money. I've lost at least one friendship that was significant to me as a direct result of this relationship, and I damaged many others that I've had to repair.

I suppose there are some positive lessons to be learned from a negative experience. It's a shame it took three years to learn them. The older I get, the less of an idealist I am, the more of a realist I become.
During this time I am struggling to refocus my mind and energy back into productive events. My studies have all but ground to a halt, my work has been sub-par. This is going to be an uphill battle.
If there is another positive thing I can come up with, it's that I've realized how blessed I am to have such good friends. If nothing else, they distract me, and every distraction I get is for the better.

This chapter in my life has come to an abrupt end, and with it starts a new chapter, and that is the healing process. Time to get cracking.

Old memories

Tue, 14 Oct 2008 02:41:28 GMT

Sometimes friendships you think will never die just fade away, no matter how much you dont want them too.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 21:24:26 GMT

To Alyx Bui...
I love you.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 00:08:06 GMT

Wow...it has really been a while since I've done a real, thoughtful update. I looked at all my posts that I've made, and it has come to my attention that I come off as one whiney, emo SOB. Lol, however true that may or may not be in real life, I use this journal, esspecially in the last year or so, to put in some of my most stupid, whiney thoughts as opposed to yelling them outloud. But yeah...
This year has been interesting. I've changed a bit. I feel like I could be doing better in school than I should be. My grades have suffered due to distractions, attitude, feelings, and work. I need to be doing better, but it makes me pissed at myself for doing so poorly. Which is why when I finish this up I'm going to take a nap so I can get some real work done.
I'm in a relationship now. With who I think is the most beautiful girl on this Earth. It makes me happy...and yet I know there could be so much more to this if only she would...what? I'm not sure, but all I can do is be the best man for her that I can be, be there for her whenever she needs me, and when she feels comfortable with making this more than a relationship by title, then I will be ready for it.
I need to sell my computer so I can pay some folks off. I would love nothing more than to keep Largo, but she has to go. If I dont get rid of her on campus by the end of this week, I'm going to put her up for sale on the internet.
Christmas is coming. In reading my past entries, I am remembered by how I stood at the end of the year, how each Christmas was. This Christmas I am uncertain, at least for now. I am uncertain with what I want to make of myself, with the kind of person I want to become. I am certain of a great many things, but with what do with myself and my life as far as education goes and career goes, I am uncertain. Certainly it feeds on me and is one of the excuses I use for my suffering grades.
Alyx told me that she is turning 20, just like I will a month later, and that because of that, she needs to act like it. I have to agree...I need to start acting like I'm 20 with a future to secure. I cannot reap the benefits of labor if I do nothing in my youth. I need to get my butt in gear.

The longest post in a while. :)

Monday, October 16, 2006

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 04:03:40 GMT

Omg it just drives me crazy...I wish there was something I could do about but I guess not...the worst part is waiting for a phone call that has yet to come.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 02:54:53 GMT

Omg.

I am about to stab someone

Wed, 10 May 2006 13:46:13 GMT

I am on my 35th consectutive hour without any real sleep. I have had the following:

3 20oz bottles of Vault

3 cups of coffee

and 1 16 oz can of Full Throttle Fury

I must do good on these exams...but on this hour my brain is thinking weird things. Some of them involve feats of violence and hand to hand combat. Weeee

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Tue, 09 May 2006 19:14:46 GMT

HALO
FUCKING
THREE

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Wed, 03 May 2006 04:44:04 GMT

I, um....gave in. I got....I got...
I got a myspace.

Yeah.

http://www.myspace.com/ranting_baka

sigh....