| | In my life, and I doubt I'm the only one who does this, I tend organize significant events in degrees of size, both in metaphorical and literal degrees. For example, while my first kiss took place in a relatively insignificant portion of time in my life, it was such a memorial event for me that it etches a noticeable place in my memory. And then there are events that are made up of tons of insignificant moments that my brain catagorizes in one lump folder. Such as High School.
There is a special category for me, one that is not just full of significant events but has also taken a significant amount of time, and the first of such a chapter has come to a close to me...the ending of my first serious relationship. The implications of this event are still something that I still havent grasped; and I suppose significance wise it's not quite over yet because I'm still struggling with how and why it ended, and the pain that goes with it.
What are the lessons that I can draw from this event? Will it make me a better man? To make steel stronger you have to put it back into the fire first I suppose. One thing it has made me, at least for now, is a bitter and lonely man. For it seems that the harder that I tried to glue this thing back together, the more I watched it fall apart. The person that I loved so dearly turned out to be completely different than I thought. Manipulative, hypocritical, a lier and perhaps a cheater. The way events turned out in the end, in the brief time compared to the rest of the relationship, overshadow the entirety of the time I was with this woman. Aurthur Miller once said "Betrayal is the only truth that sticks," and I believe it. For even after all the love and intimacy that I experienced, the betrayal is the thing that sticks out the most. All other feelings of love and compassion are dulled by the hatred and despair that the betrayal has brought about, and that in itself is a distressing thing for me. These three years should in my mind be a positive thing, a positive experience for me, and yet I feel like I've wasted my time, energy, and money. I've lost at least one friendship that was significant to me as a direct result of this relationship, and I damaged many others that I've had to repair.
I suppose there are some positive lessons to be learned from a negative experience. It's a shame it took three years to learn them. The older I get, the less of an idealist I am, the more of a realist I become.
During this time I am struggling to refocus my mind and energy back into productive events. My studies have all but ground to a halt, my work has been sub-par. This is going to be an uphill battle.
If there is another positive thing I can come up with, it's that I've realized how blessed I am to have such good friends. If nothing else, they distract me, and every distraction I get is for the better.
This chapter in my life has come to an abrupt end, and with it starts a new chapter, and that is the healing process. Time to get cracking.
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| | Posted 7/28/2009 3:54 AM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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