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ranting_baka
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Name: Jacob
Birthday: 3/9/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Starcraft, war movies, golf, fishing, driving, my truck, Enemy Territory, Chappele's show, camping, swimming, Battlestar Galactica, sci-fi, oh and computers. I am what you would call a nerd =D
Expertise: Computer repair, fishing, camping, lifeguard
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message me
AIM:  EggEater21
MSN: JJJandDD@msn.com
ICQ:  146343414
Yahoo:  egg0rz
Member Since:
3/12/2004
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| In my life, and I doubt I'm the only one who does this, I tend organize significant events in degrees of size, both in metaphorical and literal degrees. For example, while my first kiss took place in a relatively insignificant portion of time in my life, it was such a memorial event for me that it etches a noticeable place in my memory. And then there are events that are made up of tons of insignificant moments that my brain catagorizes in one lump folder. Such as High School.
There is a special category for me, one that is not just full of significant events but has also taken a significant amount of time, and the first of such a chapter has come to a close to me...the ending of my first serious relationship. The implications of this event are still something that I still havent grasped; and I suppose significance wise it's not quite over yet because I'm still struggling with how and why it ended, and the pain that goes with it.
What are the lessons that I can draw from this event? Will it make me a better man? To make steel stronger you have to put it back into the fire first I suppose. One thing it has made me, at least for now, is a bitter and lonely man. For it seems that the harder that I tried to glue this thing back together, the more I watched it fall apart. The person that I loved so dearly turned out to be completely different than I thought. Manipulative, hypocritical, a lier and perhaps a cheater. The way events turned out in the end, in the brief time compared to the rest of the relationship, overshadow the entirety of the time I was with this woman. Aurthur Miller once said "Betrayal is the only truth that sticks," and I believe it. For even after all the love and intimacy that I experienced, the betrayal is the thing that sticks out the most. All other feelings of love and compassion are dulled by the hatred and despair that the betrayal has brought about, and that in itself is a distressing thing for me. These three years should in my mind be a positive thing, a positive experience for me, and yet I feel like I've wasted my time, energy, and money. I've lost at least one friendship that was significant to me as a direct result of this relationship, and I damaged many others that I've had to repair.
I suppose there are some positive lessons to be learned from a negative experience. It's a shame it took three years to learn them. The older I get, the less of an idealist I am, the more of a realist I become.
During this time I am struggling to refocus my mind and energy back into productive events. My studies have all but ground to a halt, my work has been sub-par. This is going to be an uphill battle.
If there is another positive thing I can come up with, it's that I've realized how blessed I am to have such good friends. If nothing else, they distract me, and every distraction I get is for the better.
This chapter in my life has come to an abrupt end, and with it starts a new chapter, and that is the healing process. Time to get cracking.
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| Sometimes friendships you think will never die just fade away, no matter how much you dont want them too.
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| To Alyx Bui...
I love you.
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| Wow...it has really been a while since I've done a real, thoughtful
update. I looked at all my posts that I've made, and it has come
to my attention that I come off as one whiney, emo SOB. Lol,
however true that may or may not be in real life, I use this journal,
esspecially in the last year or so, to put in some of my most stupid,
whiney thoughts as opposed to yelling them outloud. But yeah...
This year has been interesting. I've changed a bit. I feel
like I could be doing better in school than I should be. My
grades have suffered due to distractions, attitude, feelings, and
work. I need to be doing better, but it makes me pissed at myself
for doing so poorly. Which is why when I finish this up I'm going
to take a nap so I can get some real work done.
I'm in a relationship now. With who I think is the most beautiful
girl on this Earth. It makes me happy...and yet I know there
could be so much more to this if only she would...what? I'm not
sure, but all I can do is be the best man for her that I can be, be
there for her whenever she needs me, and when she feels comfortable
with making this more than a relationship by title, then I will be
ready for it.
I need to sell my computer so I can pay some folks off. I would
love nothing more than to keep Largo, but she has to go. If I
dont get rid of her on campus by the end of this week, I'm going to put
her up for sale on the internet.
Christmas is coming. In reading my past entries, I am remembered
by how I stood at the end of the year, how each Christmas was.
This Christmas I am uncertain, at least for now. I am uncertain
with what I want to make of myself, with the kind of person I want to
become. I am certain of a great many things, but with what do
with myself and my life as far as education goes and career goes, I am
uncertain. Certainly it feeds on me and is one of the excuses I
use for my suffering grades.
Alyx told me that she is turning 20, just like I will a month later,
and that because of that, she needs to act like it. I have to
agree...I need to start acting like I'm 20 with a future to
secure. I cannot reap the benefits of labor if I do nothing in my
youth. I need to get my butt in gear.
The longest post in a while. :)
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| Omg it just drives me crazy...I wish there was something I could do about but I guess not...the worst part is waiting for a phone call that has yet to come.
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